My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You Might Also Like
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station