If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
#StillHurts
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair