ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
You Might Also Like
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
So inspired right now.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Aaaa…CHOO!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe