told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.