How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
There are usually two types of merchants.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?