babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]