Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
early stone age tool
I need better friends
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
🤣
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.