Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.