Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.