God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
😂 amazing answer
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.