The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”