Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
never deleting this app.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.