I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.