netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
🐕🍷
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car