PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Sheer Arrogance”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that