I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again