Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
You Might Also Like
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
this is the best day of my life
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”