I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Oh my God.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
OKAY DAD
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.