My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo