The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you