has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..