Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.