So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
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Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
We all have our pet causes.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!