“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Happens to everyone.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.