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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?