When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity