I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character