When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Received some very disappointing news today
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.