Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday