Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password