“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
You Might Also Like
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.