[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.