Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.