Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!