Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.