Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
You Might Also Like
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Cannot stop laughing at this
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
They’re on their honeymoon