Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it