In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.