Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles