*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.