”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
You Might Also Like
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are