A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.