i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should