[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites