[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
when someone rings the doorbell
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
#math
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”