The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either