Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.