jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m giving up for Lent.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?