“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.