My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano